Republican-to-English Dictionary

In case you’ve been having trouble recently in deciphering speeches and news reports:

alternative energy sources n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy n. A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.

“burning bush” n. A biblical allusion to the response of the President of theUnited States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues.

Cheney, Dick n. The greater of 2 evils.

class warfare n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change n. Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

creation science n. Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush’s resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.

DeLay, Tom n. Past tense of De Lie.

extraordinary rendition n. Outsourcing torture.

faith n. The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made by JC) include “Blessed are the rich” and “Blessed are the warmakers.”

free markets n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

girly-men n. Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.

God n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.

healthy forest n. No tree left behind.

honesty n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., “Freedom is on the march.”).

House of Representatives n. Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).

insanity n. See: staying the course.

laziness n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s) n. Followers of the Antichrist.

No Child Left Behind riff. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society n. 1. A civilization where 1% of the population controls 90% of the wealth. 2. A political system in which all power is in the hands of the owners.

Patriot Act n. 1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

pro-life adj. Valuing human life up until birth.

Senate n. Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million.

simplify v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course interj. slang. Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: insanity).

stuff happens interj. slang. I don’t have to live in Baghdad.

voter fraud n. A significant minority turnout.

woman n. 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can’t be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn’t want to have sex in the first place